


Don't Let Go

by angstcentral



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angry Lexa, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Heavy Angst, Jealous Clarke, Jealous Lexa, Major Character Injury, Making Love, Mutual Pining, Sad Lexa, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2019-02-14 16:42:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13011900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstcentral/pseuds/angstcentral
Summary: It took quite some time for Clarke and Lexa to finally get together but once they did, they were the couple that everyone aspired to be. But when something horrible happens, all Lexa has are her memories and the hope that one day her love will return to her.ORFlashback story of Lexa and Clarke's love story..warning there are real hardship a long the way.





	Don't Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING : There are mentions of violence and major character injury!!! BUT both Clarke and Lexa will be safe and happy and in love by the end. I don't usually give away such a major detail but I just want everyone to know that my stories have angst but Clexa will always have a happy ending in all my stories.

Clarke and Lexa were supposed to be together forever. They were _supposed_ to get married and have adorable babies. But what’s _supposed_ to happen rarely actually occurs. If only Clarke wasn’t home when those burglars broke into their house..If only Lexa got there sooner.. If only the ambulance got there quicker… If only...If only..If only

_Summer 2017_

“Hey baby. I bought some pastries from that little bakery on fifth you love so much.” Lexa calls out as she closes the door and places the dessert box on their kitchen counter. It’s quiet, too quiet. Clarke is usually blasting goofy music and in her pajamas painting and waiting for Lexa to come home from work.

They’ve been dating for three years now and it has been the best years of Lexa’s life. She even proposed two weeks ago. They’re officially engaged. Engaged. Lexa is going to marry the girl she has loved her whole life and she couldn’t be happier.

“Babe? Did you hear me?” Lexa calls out as she takes off her coat and yawns. She had a really long day at work. Lexa loves her work as a social worker but it’s defintely tough. Long hours, low salary. But it’s more than worth it. Clarke supports her dream just like Lexa supports Clarke’s painting.

Lexa frowns. Where is Clarke? They were just texting a little over an hour ago. Clarke told Lexa to hurry home and that she had a surprise for her, along with a very revealing picture. Lexa finished her work as soon as she could and rushed home. Lexa moves from the hallway into the living room and sees that it is completely destroyed. Couches flipped upside down and slashed. The TV missing. Picture frames of her and Clarke smashed on the floor. And the worst of all, a trail of blood to the bedroom. 

Lexa screams Clarke’s name. She screams again. Everything is going in slow motion. And yet, her heart has never beat faster. Her vision is blurry and her hearing is warped. Lexa can feel her perfect life slipping from her fingers and she can’t stop it. 

Lexa runs into the bedroom she has been sharing with Clarke for two years now and her heart drops into her stomach. 

“No no no no no no!” Lexa cries out and falls to the floor in agony. “No no Clarke, please baby.” Lexa immediately feels the tears wetting her cheeks. “Oh my god what do I do?” Lexa cries out to herself. “Clarke, no please. Clarke come on. Clarke!” Lexa shakes the motionless blonde.

Lexa desperately feels around for a pulse...and there is one. A very weak one. Lexa sobs out and shakily reaches in her back pocket for her cell phone.

“Yes I..I have an emergency. My f-fiancee is badly hurt..someone stabbed her..yes um I don’t know. I think there was a break in..please hurry. Her pulse is weak. I don’t know what to do! Help please fuck! Send help now..” Lexa scream sobs into the phone as she applies pressure to Clarke’s stomach.

Clarke’s eyes flutter open slightly and Lexa gasps out.

“Help is on the way. I love you. Please Clarke..stay with me. I love you. I love you. You’re gonna get through this.” Lexa tries to sound sure but her voice is shaky and thick from all the crying.

Clarke looks like she wants to speak but can’t. Some blood drips from her lips.

“Don’t try to speak baby. Just focus on staying awake..please if there’s a god out there, help us.” Lexa says while crying. The love of her life is dying on their bedroom floor. This isn’t supposed to be happening. They are supposed to be together forever. They were the love story all their friends envy.

“Please, I love you..I love you so much Clarke. I love you.”

///

 _Fall 2008_

Clarke and Lexa met in grade school. Lexa is Clarke’s best friend Raven’s older sister. There’s a four year age difference. Lexa was always around, watching out for Clarke. Lexa and Raven’s parents are great. Clarke’s home life isn’t. Lexa always thought that was why she is extremely protective of her little sister’s best friend, but later in life, she realized why she always felt so protective of Clarke.

Lexa is 19 and Clarke is 15. This is the year that the brunette finally figures out that she is in love with Clarke Griffin. Clarke always has been the shy type. Raven begs Lexa to bring her and Clarke to a college party and Lexa hesitantly agrees. Almost immediately when they arrive, Raven goes off with Lexa’s best friend and roommate to go play pong. Lexa knows Anya will keep an eye out on Raven. Clarke, on the other hand, keeps to herself.

Clarke didn’t have any easy life. Her mom and dad died when she was six and then she moved in with her Uncle Cage, a horrible drunk. Clarke met Raven in kindergarten. Lexa still remembers the first day the blonde came over her house with her sister. She was missing one of her front teeth and had a small lisp. Her eyes were all smiles and Lexa couldn’t help but smile back. Lexa has never stopped smiling when around Clarke since then.

So at this college party, Clarke is very quiet. Clarke has a lot of friends in high school but she isn’t very big on the party scene or alcohol. Her parents died when a drunk driver hit their car and her uncle is a very mean alcoholic. Lexa could tell she is uncomfortable by all the drinking so Lexa brought her upstairs into her friend’s room and they just chat all night

“So you’re telling me that you’ve never seen The Breakfast Club! Clarke, that’s such a popular movie.” Lexa laughs and shakes her head.

“I just never got around to it okay!” Clarke giggles. “Maybe we can watch it someday?” Clarke says nervously. She’s always had a crush on Lexa but she knows the older girl has never seen her that way. In Lexa’s eyes, Clarke will always be her little sister’s best friend.

“Yeah we can do that.” Lexa says with a smile. “You and Raven can come visit again soon and we can do a movie night.”

Clarke smiles sadly. Of course Raven would be there too. It’s not that Clarke doesn’t love Raven. She wishes Lexa would want to hangout with her and only her sometimes too. But Clarke supposes that’s just hopeful thinking.

“Hey what’s with the face, blue eyes?” Lexa asks softly. She has been calling Clarke blue eyes since forever. Clarke loves it.

“Oh nothing..I thought maybe you wanted to hangout with me.” Clarke says in a small insecure voice. Lexa frowns not understanding what Clarke is saying. Didn’t she just say that she wants to hangout with Clarke?

“I do?” Lexa says, confused. She laughs lightly. “Didn’t I just say that?”

“I meant like..um just with me...like without Raven being there. Like a date.” Clarke says even quieter, her face beet red.

“Oh..” Lexa says, sort of shocked. Does Clarke mean like a date? “Do you have feelings for me Clarke?” 

Clarke’s eyes widen and she looks down at the ground. The blonde slowly nods without looking at Lexa’s eyes.

“I’m flattered blue eyes..but you’re too young.” Lexa says softly, her heart aching for some unknown reason. She hates that she’s hurting Clarke but the blonde is her little sister’s best friend, basically like another little sister to her..right? Right. Something feels very wrong by describing Clarke like that.

“I get it.” Clarke nods and sadly smiles. “Um..just forget what I said okay? It was dumb.”

“Hey hey it wasn’t dumb. It was really brave. Badass even.” Lexa says gently and Clarke scoffs.  
“No really, I would have never had the guts to ask my crush out when I was 15.”

Clarke just nods and looks off. “Can we talk about something else?” 

Lexa looks at Clarke for a second but nods and a easy smile comes on her face. “Sure Clarke, whatever you’d like.”

“Oh and Lexa?”

“Yeah?”

“Please don’t tell Raven. She would never let me live this down.” Clarke says softly and Lexa nods.

“Of course.”

But the rest of that year, Lexa starts to see Clarke in a different light. She starts to notice how beautiful Clarke is when she smiles; she especially loves that beauty mark right above her lip. Sometimes she fantasizes about kissing the blonde right there. 

Clarke is really mature about being rejected. The first couple hangouts with Lexa and Raven, Clarke is a little quieter than usual. But after a couple weeks, everything is back to normal. But it’s right about that point in time that Lexa realizes she might not want this ‘normal’ anymore. She might want a new ‘normal’...with Clarke.

///

_Summer 2012_

Lexa knows she’s being a hypocrite. She knows she’s the one who told Clarke that they couldn’t be together right now. But she really hates this. 

Raven is throwing a big pool party while their parents are in London visiting family. Lexa was having fun too until Clarke’s new ‘friend’ came around. Octavia Blake.

Lexa has learned that Octavia is a pre-law student and a sophomore at Lexa’s old school, even though Lexa never once saw her on campus. Octavia is actually really sweet too. She’s got some sass but it’s mainly just humorous. The whole friend group adores her, even Lexa approves of her. But Lexa is unbelievably jealous. 

Octavia and Clarke are just friends, according to Clarke. But they hook up and spend way too much time together for Lexa’s liking. Lexa knows she has been all over the place though and probably given Clarke emotional whiplash though so she doesn’t say anything. Her and Clarke only started acting normal around one another again this past month. 

Lexa just scowls and goes to get another drink. “Lexa!” A girl with a very familiar voice calls out.

“Costia!” Lexa says, very surprised to see her ex. Costia was her first love, but it was very much a puppy love. It’s nothing like what she feels for Clarke. Her and Costia ended on good terms though. Costia went to some fancy college across the country and they knew that long distance wouldn’t work out so they broke up right before moving into college. 

“How are you? You look great! Super hot.” Costia says lightly and Lexa blushes. Costia has always been such a shameless flirt. 

“Oh shush. You look great too, Cos.” Lexa has an easy smile on her face.

“Wow you in a bikini. Lex, this is bringing back some memories from back in high school in this very pool.” Costia teases again and Lexa turns tomato red.

“Shh! Raven will kill me if she hears any of those stories. She loves this pool.” Lexa says and Costia laughs. The two exes catch up for the rest of the party, flirting a little and just overall having a great time catching up. The flirting was harmless though. Both girls knew whatever they had was over a long time ago, but somebody else didn’t know that. Clarke. 

Clarke kept glancing at Lexa and Costia the whole party. Octavia even asked her what was wrong a couple times. The day party ends by around 10 o’clock. Octavia not so sneakily kisses Clarke goodbye and leaves. Clarke stays to help clean up. Costia left a couple hours ago as well but not before giving Lexa her new number and promising not to be a stranger. They may even get a friendly lunch in a few weeks. 

“So you and Costia, huh?” Clarke tries to sound nonchalant but Lexa immediately picks up on the jealous undertones.

“Not like that.” Lexa laughs lightly.

“It seemed like that.” Clarke mumbles while wiping the table clean. Lexa bites her lip and decides to change the conversation topic. 

“Trust me, me and Costia are long over... how are you Octavia?” Lexa asks quietly.

“Oh..we’re um good.” Clarke says in a high pitched voice. Lexa narrows her eyes at Clarke.

“That doesn’t sound too _good_.” Lexa teases and Clarke rolls her eyes jokingly.

“It’s just..well whatever, this isn’t something I should talk to you about.” Clarke says gently and it stings Lexa a little. They used to be able to talk about this kind of stuff. 

“Clarke, you can talk to me about anything and everything. Don’t you dare think otherwise.” Lexa says firmly and Clarke bites her lip.

“Okay..” Clarke says softly. “We had sex the other day.” Clarke says quietly, immediately averting Lexa’s gaze.

“Oh..I see.” Lexa tries to sound calm but her heart is being ripped out of this chest. Why does she always have to complicate things so much? She could be with Clarke right now if it wasn’t for her dumb brain doing that overthinking thing again.

“Maybe, I should have brought it up..this is weird. I shouldn’t have told you…” Clarke hurriedly speaks. She can see the sadness in Lexa’s eyes. She wasn’t trying to rub this in her face. She was just confused and wanted to talk to her best friend but now she realizes that everyhting has changed. 

“No..no I’m glad you’ve trusted me with this, really..” Lexa says convinsingly and even manages a small smile. “How do you feel? That was your first time, right?”

“Yeah..” Clarke mumbles. “I don’t know how I feel about it if I’m being honest. I...I mean it was fun. But it wasn’t really special. I didn’t really feel..” Clarke says softly but then shakes her head. “Never mind.” Her voice cracks slightly.

“Hey, what didn’t you feel?” Lexa asks gently. She doesn’t love hearing about Clarke with someone else but she’s her friend first.

“I just..it felt so much more right...being with you...I know we were never together like _that_. It just felt right, I don’t know how to explain it.” Clarke hurriedly explains. Lexa’s eyes soften and she starts to hear her own heartbeat in her ears. She can vaguely hear Clarke mumbling apologies as she scurries away from Lexa, presumably taking Lexa’s slience as rejection again. 

“Clarke, wait.” Lexa calls out for her and Clarke stops dead in her feet. Lexa approaches her carefully. “I’m still not ready...not yet.” Lexa says sadly. Clarke bites her lip and looks at the ground sullenly. “But one day I will be.” Lexa says and Clarke’s eyes immediately shoot up and meet Lexa’s. Hope blooms in the blonde’s chest.

Clarke doesn’t say anything for awhile and it starts to make Lexa nervous. “I mean obviously I’m not asking you to wait for me..I just...I find it very difficult to open up to people emotionally. I’m not ready but that doesn’t mean you have to wait for me. But just know that if I felt ready, you would be the only person I’d want to try a real relationship out with.” Lexa says gently. She was in a relationship with Costia but it was more a friends with benefits situation. She loved Costia but it wasn’t this all consuming thing like it is with Clarke. It’s so different and Lexa knows that she’s not ready yet. And even though Lexa wants to be with Clarke more than anything, she can’t be selfish for either of them.

Clarke nods again. She smiles softly. “Maybe someday?” Clarke says wistfully.

Lexa smiles at her, her eyes a little sad. “Maybe someday.”

Someday would come sooner than either girls anticipated and would leave just as fast. 

///

_December 2013_

“Lexa, where are the yams?” Indra calls out from the kitchen. Lexa finishes setting the long table decorated with pine cones and red and green tablecloths.

“They’re in the fridge bottom drawer.” Lexa calls back, humming along to a holiday song.

Lexa is a buzz with nerves. Clarke is coming back from her semester abroad in Brazil. Lexa can’t wait to see Clarke. She’s finally ready for more with the blonde. Right before Clarke went to Brazil, they confessed their feelings and made love. They agreed not to start anything new until Clarke got back. They would wait until Clarke returned and if they both still had the same feelings, they would give this thing between them a real try. Lexa misses the girl so much. Her feelings haven’t faded whatsoever, if anything they’ve gotten stronger. She just hopes it’s the same for Clarke as well.

Clarke always spends holidays with Lexa and Raven’s family. Clarke’s Uncle Cage died last year and even before that, her family life wasn’t so good. Clarke has been spending most important days with the Woods since she was a kid with a lisp.

“Ma, we’re home!” Raven calls out from the front door. Lexa can feel her heart beating fast. Raven went to go pick Clarke up from the airport. Lexa can barely breathe she’s so excited.

Her and Clarke have been in a weird limbo ‘will they or won’t they’ type of relationship for half a decade now, ever since Clarke asked Lexa out on a date when Clarke was 15. After that, it’s been all about timing. Lexa realized she was in love with Clarke shortly after that but decided to wait until Clarke was older to act on the feelings. 

Lexa is afraid she waited too long though. Lexa can hear Indra squeling in excitement to see Clarke. She can hear the laughs and the hugs and kisses. She desperately wants to go out and hug Clarke with her all but she’s afraid. What if she really did wait too long? What if she’s too late?

“Lexa..” Clarke breathes out. Lexa tenses and slowly turns around. Clarke looks adorable. The tips of her ears and her cute little nose are red from the snow and cold outside. There are snowflakes melting in her blonde locks. God, Lexa really wants to kiss her.

“Clarke..” Lexa says softly. For a moment, they are suspended in time. Clarke smiles so wide her cheeks hurt and so does Lexa. The blonde slowly approaches Lexa so that the brunette knows exactly what she’s about to do. Clarke cups her cheeks and Lexa can’t stop smiling.

The blonde releases a tiny excited breath before Lexa smashes her lips into hers. They kiss and kiss for what seems like forever until they hear a clearing of a throat. They break apart sheepishly to find a smirking Raven and a overexcited Indra and Gustus in front of them.

“Please tell me you girls are kissing because you’ve finally gotten your heads out of your asses and not just because you’re under a mistletoe.” Indra says teasingly. Lexa and Clarke look up and sure enough, they are under mistletoe. They look at eachother happily for a minute.

“It’s more than just the mistletoe, Mom.” Lexa says gently with an easy smile on her face, her eyes never leaving Clarke. It’s perfect. Everything is perfect. Lexa could only hope that it would stay this perfect for the rest of time. Maybe it won’t always be this great. But Lexa just knows with every fiber of her being that as long as Clarke is by her side, it’ll be okay. No, it’ll be more than okay. It’ll be perfect.

///

_Early Summer 2011_

“He was supposed to be here over an hour ago!” Raven fumes out. “I’m so going to kick his ass when I see him.” 

Clarke looks down at the floor quietly, her eyes sad. “It’s okay Rae. Go and have fun.” Clarke weakly smiles.

“No! I’m not going to our senior prom without you Clarke!” Raven says adamently. “God, Bellamy is such a jerk! How could he ditch you like this?”

Clarke shrugs and looks back at the floor, her cheeks heating up in embarrasment.

“It’s not a big deal.” Clarke mumbles.

“No! It’s a big deal!” Raven fumes out.

“What’s a big deal?” Lexa strides in and stops and audibly gasps. Clarke looks so fucking beautiful. She has a navy dress that compliments her eyes and her blonde hair is in soft curls. She has minimal makeup and she looks gorgeous. Clarke has never been one for makeup anyways and Lexa loves it. And her breasts...well Lexa’s mind almost goes into overdrive at the mere sight of them. Clarke is always very modest in her clothes but her breasts are tastefully on display in her prom dress and she looks stunning...absolutely stunning. She curses Bellamy Blake in her mind for being able to have Clarke on his arm for the night.

“Bellamy ditched Clarke..” Raven says angirly. Clarke feels her heart start racing in embarrasment. She doens’t want Lexa to know how much of a loser she feels right now. Clarke doesn’t date a lot. She dated this girl Niylah a bit during her senior year. But that’s about it. She never really got over Lexa but she got really good at hiding it. And then Bellamy Blake, star soccer player of their high school, asked her to prom. Of course Clarke said yes. Bellamy was cute enough and she desperately needed a date so Lexa didn’t think she was some type of loser.

“What? Are you fucking serious?” Lexa curses out. Clarke’s eyes widen. Lexa doesn’t really get angry easily so this is quite suprising.

“Now Clarke doesn’t want to go to prom because she doesn’t have a date.” Raven says and Lexa gulps. She has an idea.

“I’ll take you. I’ll be your date.” Lexa says, trying so hard to keep her voice even. She has been fighting her feelings for Clarke for such a long time. Why? Well Lexa has a whole list of reasons but everytime she looks in Clarke’s eyes, her list of reasons starts to get shorter and shorter.

“Lexa, I can’t ask you to do that..” Clarke mumbles sadly, very embarassed. Clarke has wanted a date with Lexa for years but not like this. Clarke doesn’t want to be a pity date.  
“You’re not asking. I’m asking you. Clarke Griffin, will you allow me the honor of having someone as beautiful as you on my arm for the night?” Lexa playfully gets on one knee with a charming smile painted on her face. Clarke blushes profusely.

“God will you two just makeout already?” Raven rolls her eyes jokingly. 

“Oh what is this?” Indra walks in with a shocked smile on her face. 

“Lexa is asking Clarke to prom because Bellamy is a asshole and Lexa is all hearteyes over Clarke.” Raven says casually. Lexa blushes but doesn’t deny it. 

Indra’s eyebrows shoot up in interest. “Well...that sure is interesting.” Indra smiles softly and looks over to Clarke. “Well? Are you going to make my daughter wait forever for an answer, Clarke? You girls don’t want to be late to prom.” Indra says playfully.

“I..yes” Clarke mumbles embarassed. She knows Lexa is just doing this to be nice but still...it feels so good to have Lexa ask her out, even if it is just out of pity.

“Yes? Meaning I can be your date to prom?” Lexa says happily and Clarke nods gently. Lexa has a childlike smile on her face.

“Yes. I’d love if you were my date.” Clarke says softly and Lexa gets up and hugs Clarke. The hug is longer than one of friendship and Indra and Raven both share a knowing look. Even if Clarke and Lexa don’t know it yet, they are meant to be together forever and everyone else can see it.

///

_Spring 2018_

“Lexa, you have to come. It’s Anya’s bachelorette party.” Raven says fiercely. Lexa barely functions anymore. She quit her job as a social worker and now works as a bartender in some seedy bar.

She doesn’t come out anymore. She works her shifts at the bar. She sold her and Clarke’s old apartment and moved into a apartment with some people who needed an extra roommate. She just sleeps there and that’s it. Her roommates are all in a band and always invite her out but she always declines. She doesn’t want friends. She just wants Clarke back.

Lexa boxes alot to get her frustrations out. The coach at the boxing gym she goes to says she has a lot of potential and is constantly trying to get her to train seriously. She’s considering it. The more she can punch things, the happier she is lately.

“No.” Lexa calmly states.

“Lexa, this is bullshit! Anya is your best friend. Clarke, wouldn’t want this life for you.” Raven says and immediately regrets her words when Lexa’s expressionless demeanor switches into rage. Raven can see it in Lexa’s green eyes: the anger, the pure grief, the rage, the sorrow, the anguish.

“Get the fuck out.” Lexa grits out, trying to remain calm. She doesn’t want to hear Clarke’s name. It hurts too much.

“Lexa, I’m sorry. I know you don’t like when we bring her up but..she was my best friend too. I..I’m grieving too. I..I need my sister back. I feel like I lost both of you.” Raven says on the verge of tears.

“I am nothing without her Raven.” Lexa says quietly, turning away from her little sister.

“That’s not true and you know it. Lexa, you -”

“Please..” Lexa’s voice is cracked and desperate and it immediately shuts Raven up. She’s never heard her sister this emotional. “I can’t do this right now. I’m not ready to talk about any of this.”

“So what do we all do Lexa? Are we supposed to let you fall deeper and deeper down this hole you’ve been digging yourself into? We are all worried about you. You’re missing out on life. You’re isolating yourself from everyone who loves you. It’s been almost a year. You need-”

“I know how long it’s been.” Lexa coldly states. “Don’t push me right now, Raven. I don’t need anyone to take care of me. All I want is _her_ but since I can’t have that all I want is space, okay? Just everyone give me some damn space. You’re breathing down my neck and it’s suffocating me! Just leave me the fuck alone!” Lexa’s voice gets louder and louder till she’s screaming. Her hands are shaking and in fists. Raven looks at Lexa’s fists, bruised up from all the boxing, and defiantly steps closer to her big sister.

“Or what? Are you going to punch me like you do in the boxing ring? You can’t punch out your grief. No matter how much you beat the shit out of people and get the shit beat out of you, Clarke is still in that coma. You know she probably won’t ever be waking up..”

“GET OUT!” Lexa shoves Raven hard. Her whole body is shaking.

“Clarke loved you with everything she had ever since she was a little kid. She looked at you like you were the whole world. It was so obvious. And then you guys finally got together and I swear I never saw either of you happier..”

“Are you trying to torture me right now?” Lexa says fuming, furiously wiping away her tears. She never allows herself to reflect on Clarke and their time together. It hurts too much. She never lets herself cry because if she does then she’s sure she will never stop.

“No, the opposite actually. You’re torturing yourself by not allowing yourself to grieve properly. Life goes on without Clarke everyday whether we like it or not. That doesn’t mean you need to forget Clarke. We both know how impossible that would be. But doctors have told us time and time again that her chances of waking up after this long are near impossible. She wouldn’t want to see you living like this. Lex, you have cuts and bruises all over your fists and face. You broke your nose two months ago and nearly gave mom a heart attack. You have to live...do it for Clarke if you can’t for yourself.” Raven’s voice gets softer and softer as she sees Lexa’s body shake, presumably from tears.

“I miss her.” Lexa confesses like it’s a well hidden secret. “She has been my rock since I was nine years old. I don’t know how to do this without her.”

“You have to try..You’re stronger than you realize.” Raven says gently, moving closer to Lexa and embracing her sister. Lexa tenses until she finally falls into the embrace and cries. She breaks down into tears. Lexa cries and cries for what feels like hours, maybe it is. And Raven holds her, eventually crying herself. Losing Clarke has truly destroyed them both.

///

_February 2013_

“Alright guys I am going to call it a night.” Raven says nonchalantly, furiously texting some person on her phone.

Clarke and Lexa both sharing a knowing look. “Oh you’re tired? But it’s only 11:30.” Lexa says innocently, lightly poking for information from her sister.

“Yeah..” Raven fake yawns. “It’s been a long week.” 

“Mhmm...go have fun with Wick.” Clarke playfully says and Raven bites her lip in guilt.

“Alright alright..I’ll see you tomorrow though, right? I’m driving you to the airport.” Raven chuckles for being caught.

“Yeah of course. Have a nice night Rae.” Clarke says honestly. Raven says her goodbyes and leaves. Truthfully, Raven was going to her boyfriend Wick’s house but she also wanted to give Lexa and Clarke some alone time. There has always been a weird tension between them but these past few weeks its increased, maybe because Clarke is leaving for Brazil for almost a whole year.  
Once Raven leaves, it’s just Clarke and Lexa. Lexa hums quietly to herself like she always does when she’s nervous and Clarke just smiles softly.

“I always thought it was adorable when you would do that.” Clarke absentmindedly says and Lexa looks at her with a blush reaching her face.

“Do what?” Lexa asks unsurely.

“Hum..you always hum when you’re nervous.” Clarke gently says. Lexa bites her lip. It’s now or never. No more skirting around the truth. She realized she was in love with Clarke when she was 20 years old and Clarke was 16. She waited because she knew Clarke needed her there as her friend more than she needed a lover. Living with Cage was rough and Clarke needed people she could depend on, not a girlfriend. By the time Clarke graduated and left Cage’s house, Lexa thought she was too late. She thought she waited too long. But she was wrong. She still had a chance with the blonde. And now three years later, she finally has the guts to say something. She’s 23 years old. She’s older and ready for a real relationship and the only person she’d ever want a real relationship with is Clarke.

“You make me nervous.” Lexa calmly confesses. 

“And why is that?” Clarke says quietly with a little knowing in her voice. Clarke inches slightly closer to Lexa on the couch and Lexa does the same until their thighs are touching.

“Because..” Lexa takes a deep breath and braces herself for saying these words. She knows its bold. She knows it might be alittle out of nowhere. But she just has to go for it. Clarke is leaving tomorrow and she won’t see her for almost a year. She needs to tell Clarke and she needs to tell her now.

“Because?” Clarke whispers softly, staring down at Lexa’s lips. Lexa does the same before her eyes flick up to pools of blue. Clarke moves her stare to Lexa’s emerald green and they both feel transfixed by the sight in front of them.

“Because I’m in love with you.” Lexa confesses honestly. Once she sees Clarke’s face, she’s no longer nervous. She just knows. She just knows that Clarke loves her too. She can tell in the soft vibrant smile that starts at Clarke’s mouth and reaches her eyes.

Clarke inches closer to Lexa and Lexa cups her cheeks. It’s all knowing and soft, like they’ve been waiting for this for years. The kiss is gentle, so much softer than their first kisses years ago. Clarke has been waiting for this for years and she isn’t about to rush it. She’s going to savor it.

“I love you too.” Clarke whispers against Lexa’s lips. Lexa kisses back with more passion. Clarke gets on top of her and kisses Lexa’s collarbone and her neck. Lexa sighs out and closes her eyes in ectasy. She can’t believe this is actually happening.  
Clarke sucks on her neck lightly and Lexa tightens her grip in the blonde hair. Clarke kisses back up to her lips and they moan softly when their tongues meet for the first time. 

Lexa takes off Clarke’s shirt first. Then comes Lexa shirt and bra. Kissing and sucking and touching. This all feels so right. Like they have been doing this for years. 

“Clarke.. Lexa sighs out. 

“Let’s go to your bedroom,” Clarke whispers against the skin of Lexa’s stomach. The blonde kisses up from Lexa’s taut ab muscles to her modest perky breasts to her lips once more. Lexa moans gently and returns the kiss in full.

Lexa nods slighty and the two girls make their way to her bedroom, exchanging soft kisses and gentle touches the whole way there. The lights are off. Lexa can only see Clarke by the hint of the moon’s glow peeking in from her window shades. Clarke looks beautiful. The blonde unhooks her bra as well and it falls to the floor. Then she slowly unzips her jeans and takes them off. Lexa stares in awe at what’s happening in front of her.

“Your turn..” Clarke says gently, signaling towards Lexa’s pants. Lexa blushes before taking off her own pants. Now both girls are left in just their panties. Clarke leans on her tippy toes and captures Lexa’s lips in a soft kiss simmering with passion.

Clarke gently leads Lexa to her bed and kisses her as they move comfortably onto the bed. Their limbs tangled, it feels as if their bodies are becoming one. 

“Oh..” Lexa breathes out as Clarke kisses down her body, sucking hickies on Lexa’s upper inner thighs.

Clarke smiles slightly. She can’t believe this is happening. This is all she has ever wanted for so long. 

“Are you ready?” Clarke says in her husky timid voice and Lexa melts. This is all Lexa has wanted for years and now its finally here. Her and Clarke are finally together. She’s not going to think about tomorrow, about how Clarke will be leaving her for about a year. She’s not going to worry about tomorrow because she has a today..with Clarke. And that’s more than she could have ever hoped for. 

“Yes..” Lexa says in between her heavy breaths. She’s already so worked up and Clarke hasn’t even touched her where she needs her most. 

As soon as Clarke presses her lips to Lexa’s core, the brunette’s back arches slightly to the gentle touch. Lexa looks down at the mess of blonde locks and desperately wants to pull Clarke back up to her mouth so she can kiss her but the things Clarke’s tongue is doing to her right now is too good to interrupt. She finally can kiss Clarke all she wants. Lexa is giddy and warm at the thought.

Clarke sucks on her clit and Lexa can’t control her eyes rolling into the back of her head. Her breathing is heavy and all she can focus on is how good Clarke is making her feel. Fuck, she can’t wait to make Clarke feel this good too. 

“Clarke..” Lexa moans out, her thighs shaking slightly. She can’t help it. She feels like her body is acting on its own accord. Clarke reaches one of her hands to hold Lexa’s hand and rub soft circles on the palm of her hand. It’s intimate and sweet. It’s Clarke saying that she’s here. 

Lexa holds onto Clarke’s hand tight until the blonde uses her one hand to steady Lexa and the other to rub Lexa’s clit as her tongue travels a little lower. Lexa gasps and moans, her head burrowing deeper into the pillows. Lexa bites her lip and her back arches completely. She’s so fucking close. She can’t hold her release anymore.

Lexa doesn’t even have time to warn Clarke before she’s coming hard, maybe even harder than she ever has in her whole life. Her body isn’t in her control right now. A light sweat coats her body as her muscles tense and relax rapidly. The next thing Lexa feels is Clarke’s lips kissing up her body. Lexa closes her eyes and smiles, feeling her heart beat quickly. Clarke kisses her lips and then her forehead before propping herself up to stare down at the brunette. Lexa doesn’t have the energy to open her eyes for a few minutes, almost drifting asleep she feels so at peace.

When she finally opens her eyes, her pools of green meet blue and she knows that everything is okay...as long as she has Clarke, everything will be okay. 

///

_Late October 2011_

Clarke is in her first year of college. She’s roommates with Raven (of course). Raven is off making friends with everyone. She’s quite the social butterfly. Meanwhile, Clarke is still a little on the shy side. Her and Raven used to run in the same circle in high school, but now they have different friends and different social lives. They’re still best friends, but it’s different now.

“Hey Rae. How’s everything?” Lexa asks once her little sister picks up her phone. She has been so busy herself that she barely has talked to Raven, let alone Clarke. She’s in a undergrad/grad program where she earns her masters in social work quicker, meaning that she’s overloaded with work. This year she’s finishing up her masters. To say the least, she’s very stressed.

“Good. College has been so much fun, Lex.” Raven gushes and Lexa smiles. She’s happy Raven is having fun. She wants to ask how Clarke is really badly too. Her and Clarke have been in weird territory ever since prom. Prom..where they almost kissed.

Clarke was resting her head on Lexa’s shoulder during the final slowdance of the night. Lexa’s heart was beating out of her chest. Everything about that whole night felt so right. Clarke was in her arms and she never wanted to let go. Lexa regrets not making the move. Clarke’s lips were so close, but she chickened out. After that, the rest of the summer was charged with sexual tension.

Clarke left for a summer art program states away for half the summer. By the time she came back, Lexa had lost her nerve to say anything. The brunette wished she had the guts to tell Clarke she likes her, no loves her, but she’s afraid.

They’re in such different places in their lives. Clarke is just starting college. She’s finally free of her Uncle Cage and she’s learning about herself. The first year of college is such a special time where you really learn about yourself. Lexa didn’t want to take away from that experience. 

“How’s Clarke?” Lexa tries to sound cool but her voice cracks slightly. The brunette can’t see it, but her little sister is smirking on the phone.

“Not even 5 minutes into the conversation and you’re already asking about Clarke.” Raven teases and Lexa bites her lip, knowing she has been caught.

“Oh shut up. How is she? You don’t talk about her as much.” Lexa honestly retorts.

“Clarke’s good. She’s making a lot of broody art friends like herself.” Raven answers truthfully. Her and Clarke have different interests. She knew college was going to change their friendship. But it hasn’t been a bad change. They’re still stronger than ever. They’re just growing up.

“Oh yeah? That’s good.” Lexa says happily. She’s glad Clarke is making friends outside of Raven’s group. Clarke always looked a little lost in high school. 

“Yeah..there’s this one girl who’s always hanging out around her. Luna.” Raven says slowly, unsure how much information she should be giving Lexa. She doesn’t want to make her sister jealous but at the same time, maybe Lexa needs a little motivation to make a move finally. Anya told Raven about how Clarke asked Lexa out all those years ago and her sister rejected her. She knows that took a lot of courage on Clarke’s part and she knows for a fact, that Clarke will never initiate a first move with Lexa again. Lexa will have to do it this time around.

“A girl?” Lexa sounds sad and far off on the phone. Raven almost feels bad for mentioning it. It’s not a lie though. Luna is around Clarke 24/7. “Are they a thing?”

“No no..well not yet.” Raven says honestly. 

“Have you asked Clarke about it? Does she like her?” Lexa starts to sound a little desperate. Her calm exterior cracking further. Lexa isn’t really one to date and neither is Clarke. There hasn’t been many opportunities for jealousy for either of them over the years.

There was of course Costia. Costia was Lexa’s high school girlfriend. Clarke was a young teen back then but she already knew she loved Lexa. Costia and Lexa dated when they were 16 to 18 and Clarke was 12 to 14 years old. Clarke knew Lexa was way too old for her back then so the jealousy wasn’t that bad.

Then there was Niylah. Niylah was Clarke’s first and only girlfriend. They dated for about five months when Clarke was 17 and Lexa was 21. By this point, Lexa knew of her love for Clarke. It was absolutely maddening. Niylah was Clarke’s first kiss. She hated hearing about it. Clarke would blush and giggle when her and Raven would talk about Niylah and it made Lexa go insane. But at the same time, she was glad. She was unseflishly happy that Clarke was finally being a kid. Her home life was really tough and she always took life so seriously. So Lexa was happy for Clarke, even though it broke her everytime she saw Niylah and Clarke holding hands. Lucky for Lexa, the relationship between Clarke and Niylah didn’t last too long. 

Other than that, Lexa has dated casually but never brought a girl back to the family. It’s like her heart knows what it wants and refuses to seriously consider anyone else. But now, Lexa’s heart is sinking at the idea of Clarke with someone other than herself. Maybe it’s finally time to say something.

“Clarke just shrugs whenever I ask her, to be honest.” Raven answers and Lexa feels a little lighter. “Like I’m not even sure if she knows.”

“Oh..” Lexa feels heavy again. Clarke really might like this Luna character.

“Yeah so I’m not really sure. Hey listen, if you’re not busy, you should stop by this weekend.” Raven says and Lexa bites her lip. She really wants to see Clarke, especially now that Luna might swoop in and steal her girl. But she truly does have a lot of work.

“I’m sorry Rae, I can’t. Raincheck though, okay?”

“Fineeee. Love you.”

“Love ya too little sis.”

///  
_November 2011_

Lexa finally has time to come visit Raven. She’s nervous to see Clarke. She hasn’t really kept in contact with the girl, but she supposes that’s her fault.

“Hey sis.” Lexa says warmly as Raven opens the door to the dorm room. 

“Lex, you’re here!” Raven exclaims happily. “You wanna go out to a party? Clarke is gonna be there.”

Lexa’s heart immediately starts beating. “Where is Clarke now?” Lexa tries to feign innocent curiousity but Raven knows her sister like the back of her hand.

“She’s already there, helping set up.” Raven replies casually. 

“Where is this party?” Lexa asks as she places her bag down on Raven’s bed.

“Oh it’s at Luna’s.” Raven says quickly before changing the subject. She really doesn’t want to get into this with Lexa right now. “Anyways..” Raven goes off rambling about her physics class and Lexa’s heart thuds faster. Is she too late?

They get to the party and it’s in full swing. Everyone is drinking and dancing and having a fun time. The lights are dim so Lexa is having trouble spotting Clarke. But then she finds here and Lexa’s heart immediately starts beating fast. Lexa is all smiles until she sees a girl with curly hair pressed up against Clarke, dancing. Clarke laughs and drinks her drink. Lexa frowns. Does Clarke drink now? She used to hate drinking.

Raven grabs her hand and pulls her on the dance floor towards Clarke. As soon as Clarke sees her she is all smiles. She removes herself from her friend Luna’s grasp and hugs Lexa tight.

“I’ve missed you so much.” Clarke’s voice is sincere and gentle yet still raspy. Lexa immediately melts into the touch. Clarke whispers something in the curly haired girl’s ear, who Lexa now presumes to be Luna. Luna pouts but nods and reluctantly walks off. Clarke smiles and pulls Lexa off the dance floor and toward the quiter area. Raven goes off dancing and having fun as Raven does. Now Clarke and Lexa are alone. Both girls energized just from being in eachother’s presence.

The girls talk for hours. They laugh and dare Lexa says, flirt. Clarke started drinking when she came to college. She said that she got over her fear of alcohol being some big bad evil. She knows that it can be dangerous in excess and always watches herself. She refuses to ever end up like her Uncle Cage, but she can’t let the trauma of her past dictate her future. Lexa hugs her and wipes away the stray tear on Clarke’s face. The two are very close now, faces almost pressed up against one another. Both girls are glancing from one another’s lips to their eyes. So close. They’re so close to kissing..they could both almost taste it…

“Clarke!” The curly girl calls out happily, hugging the blonde and putting her face in Clarke’s shoulder and neck. Clarke, suprised by her friend now clinging onto her, steadies Luna with her hand. Lexa bites her lip and takes a few steps back. She mentally scolds herself for almost kissing Clarke. This isn’t the right time. She’s so busy right now. She doesn’t have time for a relationship and Clarke deserves the world; that’s just not somethign Lexa can give her right now.

“Lun..what’s up?” Clarke asks gently, throwing an apologetic look to Lexa. Lexa just smiles softly back at her before taking another sip of the scotch in her cup.

“Can you come dance with me some more?” Luna says sweetly. “I’m sure your _friend_ wouldn’t mind if I steal you for a bit, right?” Luna’s voice seems sweet but Lexa gets what the curly haired girl is trying to say. She’s trying to say ‘ _back off, she’s mine._

Lexa clears her throat. “It’s fine. Go dance, have some fun. I should probably find Raven and make sure she’s behaving herself anyways.” Lexa says politely, her heart cracking a litte. She watches as Clarke hesitantly goes on the dance floor with Luna. Lexa smiles sadly. She’s too late.

///

_Summer 2012_

“I am sooooo drunk!” Raven slurs out happily running over to Lexa and Clarke who are quietly giggling in the corner to themselves. This is the first party of the summer. Clarke just finished her first year of college and Lexa just graduated. 

“Slow down Rae.” Lexa says with an easy smile on her face. She's still got to play the big sister role.

“Yeah Rae, let's get you some water.” Clarke chuckles.

“Shh Clexa.” Raven slurs. 

“What?” Lexa calls out but Raven waves her off and sits on Clarke’s lap. 

“Clarke, that girl has been staring at you all night.” Raven says and Lexa’s mood immediately sours. Clarke blushes.

“No she hasn't, Raven” Clarke says in an embarrassed whisper.

“Yes she has! Hey Octavia come here!” Raven calls out to the girl.  
“Raven!” Clarke lightly reprimands her. Lexa just rolls her eyes and finishes off her drink. She doesn’t want to be around this.

“I’m going to get another drink, excuse me.” Lexa says dryly. Clarke’s smile wipes off her face.

“Wait Lexa, I’ll come too.” Clarke says, moving to get up. Lexa smiles softly.

“No Clarke. You stay and meet the girl. She’s really pretty.” Lexa tries to sound genuine. She had her chance with Clarke and for some reason, she didn’t take it. Clarke nods and looks down. She has to stop with this obsession with Lexa. It’s obvious what happened with them before was a mistake. Lexa even said so. It’s time for her to stop pining and move on.

“Hi, I’m Octavia.” The pretty girl says, extending her hand out.

“Hi, I’m Clarke.” Clarke says while biting her lip. The two girls talk and flirt for hours. Lexa glances back at the pair every now and then, wishing she was the one talking to Clarke. 

///

_November 2012_

“Lexa..” Clarke mumbles against the brunette’s soft lips. Lexa pulls Clarke in closer and they fall in a mess of tangled limbs on the bed.

“Mhm…” Lexa moans gently. She can’t believe this is happening. Her and Clarke are kissing. Well they’re about to do a lot more than just kissing. She doesn’t even know how they got here. Once second, Lexa is watching Clarke get pulled onto the dance floor by that girl. The next Clarke is right beside her again with an easy smile on her face, claiming that she didn’t feel like dancing. They talked and drank for another hour before they decided to go back to the dorms. Raven deciding to stay over her new boy toy’s dorm room instead of with Clarke and Lexa. And now they’re kissing. Lexa doesn’t even know how it happened or for how long it’s been happening at this point. All she knows is that she loves it. She’s addicted to Clarke’s lips.

Clarke is on top of her, her hand resting on the bare skin of Lexa’s hippone. Lexa’s skirt is slightly riding up, her hair disheleved, and her lips swollen from all the kissing and sucking. 

Clarke nervously brings her hand under Lexa’s shirt and bra and breaks the kiss, checking to see if this new development is okay. Lexa nods vigoursly and starts kissing Clarke harder. Lexa is wearing a crop top and a skirt. Clarke rubs and gently squeezes Lexa’s nipple and Lexa moans out quietly. She can feel herself getting really worked up and really wet. God, this feels so good. She can’t believe she’s actually let herself enjoy this moment with Clarke. She’s actually with Clarke, the girl she has tried to fight her feelings for for so long. She finally living in the moment.  
“Clarke..” Lexa groans out before biting her lip. They makeout for quite a long time, not going much further than that. Clarke eventually takes off Lexa’s shirt and rids herself of her own. Clarke is a little nervous though. She’s never had sex before. She’s a virgin. 

Her and Niylah always got really close to having sex but never wound up actually doing the deed, always getting interupted. Clarke didn’t mind though. She’s never felt such a lustful desire like she feels with Lexa right now. It feels so right.

Clarke sucks love marks on Lexa’s neck and the older girl sighs out in arousal. She starts to rub her legs together, trying to relieve herself a little bit. 

“Lexa, can I touch you?” Clarke whispers in Lexa’s ear. Lexa gasps a little. Clarke’s voice is dripping with sexual arousal, she can tell. 

“Yes..” Lexa says softly. She can feel Clarke’s hand make its way from her upper thigh to her panties. Lexa’s breathing immediately gets heavier. Clarke touches Lexa gently through her soaked underwear. Clarke’s hand is a little shaky, Lexa can tell. She’s nervous. Lexa thinks it’s cute. Lexa is really nervous too. She feels like this is her first time all over again.

Wait…

Lexa thinks back in her mind. Did Clarke ever tell her about losing her virginity? Lexa distinctly remembers that Clarke and Niylah never had sex. And Clarke has never brought up anyone else to her...so that must mean…

“Clarke, wait.” Lexa says nervously and Clarke immediately stops, retreating her hand. Did she do something wrong?

“Do you want to stop? Did I do something wrong?” Clarke asks nervously. Lexa bites her lip. This must be Clarke’s first time. She can see the nervousness apparent in Clarke’s eyes.

“No Clarke. You’ve been perfect.” Lexa says gently, taking Clarke’s other hand and kissing her knuckles. Clarke visibly relaxes at this. “Is this your first time, Clarke?” Lexa asks in a soft, understanding voice. 

Clarke bites her lip and looks down. “Yeah.” Clarke answers simply and shyly.

Lexa looks at her and she can see the love in Clarke’s facial expressions. She can see it in Clarke’s eyes and she can feel it in Clarke’s touches. Clarke has real feelings for her. It makes Lexa giddy with excitement but at the same time, Lexa knows this can’t happen. Not right now.

“I..” Lexa starts off but then sighs out, frustrated. “We should probably stop…”

“This shouldn’t change anything, Lex.” Clarke says hopefully.

“It doesn’t.” Lexa says quickly, trying to quell Clarke’s nervousness. “Clarke, there’s nothing wrong with the fact that you’re a virgin. I want you to understand that.”

Clarke nods softly, but Lexa can tell she’s still confused.

“It’s just...you deserve your first time to be special and with someone who can give you the world.” Lexa says honestly.

“I want you.” Clarke says simply. “I’ve always wanted you, ever since I was 15 years old.” Clarke says honestly. The liquid courage in her system helping tenfolds.

“I..”

“You’re telling me you don’t feel this connection between us?” Clarke asks, trying to mask the hurt she’s feeling. Lexa is silent, trying to come up with what to say but Clarke takes that as rejection. “Then..what...what is this? Just some one night stand?” Clarke asks, before removing herself from on top of Lexa. Clarke hurriedly picks up her shirt and starts to put it back on, hating the feeling of being so exposed right now, both emotionally and physically.

“No!” Lexa says immediately, springing to her feet quickly. How did this get messed up so fast? “No Clarke. This would never be just some one night stand to me. You’d always be so much more than that.” Lexa says genuinely. She cups Clarke’s cheeks. Clarke looks deep in her eyes.

“I don’t understand then..” Clarke says and Lexa sighs. “You’re not making any sense.”

“I care about you blue eyes.” Lexa says simply, but her words exploding with meaning. “I care so much.”

“But you don’t want to be with me?” Clarke asks confused.

“I do Clarke.” Lexa says honestly. “But I can’t.”

“Why?” Clarke asks gently.

“I’m in grad school and overloaded with work. This is my first and last break all semester. I don’t have the time to go all in and you don’t deserve any less.” Lexa says truthfully. The timing just never seems to work out in their favor. “Plus..I’m not ready for a relationship. I just.. I have my own emotional problems to work on. And you...you deserve to figure yourself out and be independent. You deserve to have a life free from Cage and all the shit thrown at you in your past. This isn’t the time for us, Clarke. You being a virgin isn’t what made me stop this thing from happening between us. I stopped it because I wasn’t thinking before that moment. Being with you felt so good and so right, I wasn’t thinking about beyond right now. But I have to. I have to for the both of us. I can’t just ‘have some fun’ with you Clarke. This would be so much more than that.” 

Clarke steps away from Lexa. “That all sounds like excuses, Lexa. I think you’re just afraid.”

Lexa looks at Clarke, tears starting to form in her green eyes. “I’m so sorry.” And with that, Lexa walks out the door. She’s not even sure where she’s going to go because she was staying with Clarke and Raven for the night. All she knows is that she needed to leave before she cried in front of Clarke.

And that night Lexa truly thought she was doing the right thing for the both of them. But she was wrong. Lexa gave a lot of reasons for why they couldn’t be together that night but deep down, Clarke was right. Lexa was afraid. Lexa was afraid because she loved Clarke so fully and with her all. She loved her like she has never loved anyone else and she was afraid of what that meant. She was afraid of getting her heartbroken and losing Clarke in the process. Lexa could not have possibly known how life would turn out. Because no matter how hard she tried to fight it, her and Clarke would be together. And no matter how hard she fought it, she would one day lose Clarke. But the better question to ask is : Would Lexa lose Clarke for good?

///

_January 2019_

It has been a year and a half since Clarke was taken from her and Lexa still thinks of her love everyday. She visits Clarke everyday after work, now in the process of opening up her own boxing gym from all the cash she accumulated from underground boxing. Lexa fought in a lot of fights over the last few months, even breaking some ribs. It was in the hospital, the same hospital where Clarke was housed for months until they were forced to find a more permanent facility for her, that Lexa realized she needed to stop this madness...if only for the sake of her family. Her mother broke down in tears at the sight of Lexa beaten and bruised and begged her eldest daughter to stop before she ends up in a grave.

Lexa agreed but knew that she could never go back to social work. Lexa was drained and exhausted from life and knew that going back to such an emotionally demanding job, although she absolutely loved it, would not benefit her. So instead she took all her fight earnings and all the money she won from betting on other underground fights and is now putting it towards a boxing gym.

Lexa is still mourning and she doesn’t think she will ever stop the grief process, but she is doing slightly better. Her mom forced her to go to therapy and at first it didn’t work at all, but it is helping a little more now. Lexa still believes Clarke will wake up one day. She knows it in her bones. She doesn’t care what the doctors say. Lexa continues to pay any extra medical costs that insurance doesn’t cover to keep Clarke breathing because she knows that as long as Clarke’s heart is still beating, there’s a chance. There’s a chance that her love willl come back to her. 

Lexa just arrived at the clinic where Clarke is. She misses her love dearly and with every breath she breathes. Lexa is tired today. Her clothes are wrinkled, her eyes have dark circles under them, and her hair is a frizzy mess of curls. But she doesn’t care. She just wants to see her Clarke and speak to her, even if the blonde can’t return the sentimemnts.

Lexa tries to unlock her phone and text Raven about their mom’s upcoming birthday but she realizes her phone is dead. Lexa slides her phone back in her pocket and makes her way to Clarke’s room. Lexa’s face immediately turns pale and she feels naouses dread filling her stomach. Her head is dizzy. Clarke’s not here. Clarke is always in here. It’s not exactly like she can go anywhere else. Besides, the nurses know that Lexa comes here to visit Clarke everyday at 6 p.m. They wouldn’t bathe her or take Clarke out of the room at this time.

Lexa grabs onto the wall for strength, trying not to have a panic attack, trying not to lose consciousness right now. Lexa finds solace in the idea that they would have called Lexa if something happened but then Lexa realizes her phone is dead and she’s not sure for how long it’s been like that. Lexa pulls herself together and stands straight, ready to learn the truth no matter what it is. 

Lexa walks through the corridors like a zombie until she reaches the nurses. The one nurse, a sweet little old Southern woman named Dorothy, immediately shoots up from her seat and hurries to Lexa. Dorothy is always so nice to Lexa. Lexa loves the woman because she sometimes lets Lexa stay overnight, sleeping in a very uncomfortable chair near Clarke’s bed. Lexa doesn’t do this often..only on the really really hard nights. 

“Darlin! We have been callin and callin you.” Dorothy exclaims. Lexa wants to cry. This is it. She’s not ready for this. She was still holding onto hope that one day Clarke would wake up and be by her side again. Oh God, she’s not ready to fully say goodbye. She needs more time. More kisses. More love. More Clarke.

“Darlin! Did you hear me?” Dorothy says, waving her hand lightly in front of Lexa’s face to get her attention. Lexa with glassy eyes looks over at Dorothy. She didn’t hear a word the nurse said, too deep in her own thoughts. The walls of the clinic seems even whiter than usual right now. All of Lexa’s senses seem to be in overdrive. Too much color. Too much sound. Too much everything. It’s almost too much

“I..I didn’t hear you.” Lexa’s voice cracks. 

“Lexa..” Dorothy gently shakes the poor shaken girl. “It’s not bad news.”

At the sound of that, Lexa sucks in a sharp heavy breath. “What?” Lexa fearfully asks, afraid to get her hopes up.

“Clarke is awake.” And that’s all it takes for Lexa to break down. Her Clarke is awake. Her Clarke came back to her. Her Clarke didn't let go.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think! I'm not very medically knowledgeable so please be understanding if my info on Clarke's coma is wrong. Also I know comas are such an overused cliche but I got an idea and ran with it. Let me know what you think.
> 
> Next chapter will be about Clarke's recovery (but there will also be flashbacks).


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